Is your dependence on external validation holding you back?

As an eldest daughter, I’ve always had high expectations for myself.

When I was at school, this translated into academic efforts.

I did very well at school, so I expected to glide through university.

However, at university, my motivation for studying went completely down the drain.

I slacked off, I wasn’t going to classes or handing in assignments. I fell into a depressive cycle of oversleeping, eating rubbish food, locking myself away and hiding from the world. It felt like I physically couldn’t get out of bed sometimes. It was incredibly frustrating to feel so incapable, especially when I knew I had the ability to do really well. 

I ended up taking a year off from studying completely and worked at Sal’s Pizza full-time. 

Something about having a job that forced me to interact with customers and hang out with this quirky group of coworkers, where we’d just laugh and overshare during quiet periods and trauma-bond over horrible customer experiences during the busy ones seemed to heal me.  

When I went back to university, I took only 2-3 papers per semester to not put too much pressure on myself. When I finally graduated, I was 25 and I felt like an old lady in my class. I was so embarrassed to graduate so late, that I didn’t even attend my graduation ceremony. It’s funny to look back on when I now realise that 25 is still so, so young.

The high expectations that I had for myself didn’t mean that I always met them. For large chunks of my life, I’ve lived well below these expectations and struggled with a very negative internal critic reminding me of this. My belief that I ‘should’ have been doing well at uni contrasted with the reality that I wasn’t, perpetuating a sense of shame that kept me from ever expressing any vulnerability.

The expectations I've had for myself have been largely guided by what I’ve received praise for. 

Yes - my love language is words of affirmation so I do feel (and look) like a happy Hamtaro whenever I get replies to these posts.

(it me)

The validation I’ve received from others shaped my sense of self-worth - but I think I overly relied on it to the point where I felt unworthy if I wasn’t getting the specific validation I was craving.

I felt unworthy because nobody would give me an A for assignments that I didn’t hand in or study for. Nobody would be impressed with how smart I was if I had to take a year off uni to work at a pizza shop. 

Doing things to impress people or earn validation is not an effective way to build resilient self-worth.

Though the idea of ‘wow-ing’ people can feel motivating - when praise becomes the only evidence we have that we’re worthy as individuals to exist on this planet, to be loved and feel love - we’ll likely fall into a pit of negative self-talk soon enough all over again.

I say this with so much love - in the spirit of Valentine’s Day (of course) - it is so important to challenge your dependence on external validation when taking action in your life. 

Many people start a fitness journey with the goal of looking better, which is fine (I did) because it can get you off the ground, but what if you did end up with that 6 pack and booty you were working towards and you weren’t stopped on the street by 10 different people a day to tell you how sexy you are? 

I know I’m being silly - but this is a real thing I’ve witnessed in clients who do achieve dramatic physique transformations, there often is a real reliance on people reminding them that they’ve ‘done well’ and they’re ‘looking good’ - otherwise they keep thinking there’s more work to be done and it becomes obsessive. 

When we approach life knowing that we already are worthy as individuals - we take action from a place of knowing that what we are doing is in our best interest - not because we think it will prove something to other people. 

Research also suggests that people with a more positive perception of self tend to exhibit more healthy lifestyle patterns than those with a negative perception of self. When we already know that we are worthy no matter what, the action steps we take become more sustainable. 

If I hadn’t felt like it was the end of the world to not be seen by others as smart or successful, maybe it wouldn’t have affected me to the point where studying seemed both pointless and incredibly hard to stick to, thus sabotaging my goal of getting a degree.

Can you think of any times in your life where your desire for reassurance and/or acceptance has prevented you from taking the road more aligned with your truest desires?

Has positive affirmation ever felt more necessary for your self-esteem than knowing that you are worthy of love regardless?

This Valentine’s Day - whether you are in a happily committed relationship, figuring things out, or you’re single - I hope you allow yourself to feel worthy of love. 

You are worthy enough to take time just for yourself

You are worthy enough to look after your body (even if you feel let down by it)

You are worthy enough to prioritise your happiness

You are worthy enough to express your needs

You are worthy enough to ask for help

You are worthy enough to love and be loved

The fact that you exist is exactly what makes you worthy. 

Happy Valentine's Day! <3

Bye for now, and talk soon,

Lx