Feeling guilty won’t get you to where you want to be.

Lately, I’ve noticed the topic of ‘guilt’ arise in a few conversations with my clients. 

One of the most powerful self-help books I’ve ever read is ‘The Mountain Is You’ by Brianna Wiest. I know I’m often quick to criticise the whole genre of self-help books, but this book really did change my perspective about a lot of different things - including how to process my feelings instead of either wallowing in them or allowing myself to be frozen by them.

In this book, she writes on the topic of guilt, 

‘Guilt requires us to look deeply at what behaviours, if any, we feel badly about, as well as what we may have done that was not in our best interest’.

The fact that you feel guilt is usually a sign of self-awareness, which is a positive thing. 

However, from my experience - it is completely possible to be paralysed by guilt without taking action to reconcile whatever you feel guilty about.

I think for a long time I chose to feel guilty about a lot of different things because I thought that being able to recognise where I was screwing up would keep me from repeating the same mistakes.

Ironically, I only broke away from the negative patterns in my life once I chose to release the feelings of guilt I held on to and prioritise self-compassion and overcoming black-and-white thinking instead.

In hindsight, I might have subconsciously preserved feelings of guilt because I was associating feeling guilty with me somehow being a good person. 

So, if you are finding that you feel ‘guilty’ for the food choices that you are making, or for going to bed too late, or for not going for a walk when you said that you would - I encourage you to ask yourself whether feeling ‘guilty’ is pushing you to make positive changes to your lifestyle (i.e. actually helping you)? 

Ask yourself honestly: Has feeling bad about any of your actions ever been what’s pushed you towards making changes in your life?

Many of us might be holding on to ‘feeling bad’ because it makes us believe that change is about to happen.

But in my experience with myself and my clients, ‘feeling bad’ doesn’t lead to taking action, it’s probably keeping you from taking action. 

If you do ‘feel bad’ about something, I encourage you to get curious about what kind of action this feeling signals you to take.

I know there are sometimes days when wallowing in self-pity and shame feels like the most therapeutic course of action, but we need to recognise that the purpose of these feelings is to signal us towards taking some kind of action beyond feeling sorry for ourselves. 

Sometimes self-compassion means showing ourselves some tough love when we need it - so try to be aware when you’re letting feelings of guilt become an indulgence rather than a necessity. 

I’d love to hear from you…

Is there anything making you feel guilty right now?

How can you use this feeling of guilt to propel you into taking positive action?